Positioning ourself...

I'm amazed I don't write more. We are going through such a life change in every way. I feel like it is so fragile though, that to write about it would open things up almost too much.

But I love processing in writing so I will try once again, in my stumbling way.

To start, we are living with some amazing people. Truly. And this is just the beginning!

An understated, extremely talented musician who writes music all day and plays in bands all night.
A young woman with severe diabetes who loves children and loves people.
A 47 year old man with great grand-children! His mother is turning 70 and has 47 grandchildren!
A family who are constantly inviting others to join their family. They are breaking down the walls that define "family" in my life.
A young, passionate woman from small town Ontario who is dragging me out to the streets. Being the minority (white person) out on the street doesn't feel good. Being stared at doesn't feel good. We're finally getting a glimpse.
These are just a few of the people we live with.

We moved here to position ourselves. To let Jesus take us to the abandoned places. Not to be a light or a change. But to learn. To listen. To see Him at work. To receive actually.

One of the biggest things we are learning right now is how little "stuff" matters. We are told that "stuff" and the accumulation of it is bad for the environment. But that isn't enough to get us to change. What I am discovering is that there really is no time for stuff, for projects, for shopping even. Many would say that is because I have a young babe and a busy toddler. To true! But also, the priorities are starting to shift (ever so slowly) in me.

Living here makes me think about spending my time with people more than with my stuff.

Many would wonder (including myself) how to find time in their lives for inviting a stranger into their home when they don't even see their friends.
Many would wonder how to find time to go to drop-in or volunteer somewhere with their kids' busy lives.
Perhaps that is the beauty in living here...it isn't another thing to do. It is our life. These are our family now. Is that crazy to say?

But...even though we are here and it would seem extremely convenient, it still takes a lot of will power and choice making. I can easily hide out in my pod. I can, and often do run away from people. But I'm starting to change. I'm starting to realize the desperate need in my heart to be with others. To be known in my darkness. To be known in my humanity rather than in acquaintance.

I think that that is the exhausting bit for me in life. Knowing people on a once-a-week basis. Updating folks on the good stuff and hinting at the bad stuff. But never really being known or knowing another.

And that brings me to my last thought for the night. A quote from Jean Vanier:

When people are physically well, performing creatively, successful in their lives, loneliness seems absent. But I believe that loneliness is something essential to human nature; it can only be covered over, it can never actually go away. Loneliness is part of being human, because there is nothing in existence that can completely fulfill the needs of the human heart. (p.7, Becoming Human, Jean Vanier)

Even life in community, in family, in marriage can be lonely. I've been hitting a pretty dark spot the last few days. It's so hard to be with others in this state. But here I am.